Fan Slash: “Spell Par-tay”

Note: This is Geek Porn Girl’s first piece of what I’ll call “Fan Slash”. A pen-pal of mine who is a loyal GPG reader and genuine physicist-type calculator-toting geek girl sent this to me as a birthday present. This unexpected gift made me laugh out loud. With her permission, I’m posting it here for you… She did a great job of mimicking my writing style, and even managed to incorporate incredibly bad lesbian haiku. What more could I ask for?

Enjoy! GPG

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“Hey, Mel. Long time no see. What are you doing in this corner of the world?” Zoey asked when she bumped into her friend at the library.

“Oh, nothing much,” Mel replied. “I’m just getting a book I need for class.”

Zoey moved towards Mel so she could see the book she was holding.

“Hmm. Numerical Methods of Solving Boundary Value Problems and Partial Differential Equations. Sounds like a truckload of fun!”

Mel smiled. She loved to hear Zoey’s voice. She had that delicious hint of an English accent that made Mel want to lean back, close her eyes, and let the words envelop her like a luxurious, intricately woven piece of cashmere.

“Yeah. Tons of fun,” Mel replied, rolling her eyes. “Besides, it’s got gay written all over it as well,” she added. She flipped the book open to the first page where someone had scribbled:

You’re gay and I’m gay

It’s a homosexual day

And I say: Par-tay!

Zoey burst out laughing. “Oh man, that’s some haiku!”

Mel counted the syllables on her fingers and then exploded into giggles as well.

“It is!”

“Hey! Can you two save the outbursts of laughter for the frat parties? This is a library, you know!”

David, the librarian on duty, strode past them with his typically constipated look on his face.

Mel quickly shut the book and tried to stiffle her giggles.

“God, what a jerk,” Zoey mumbled. “Someone should prescribe him some yoga or something.”

Mel nodded in agreement. “I suck at yoga, but I DO know a spell for the measles,” she said, excitedly.

“You don’t really, do you? Oh, you are such a liar. I bet this is one of those trick statement things that you’re always saying to make me believe one thing when you really mean something else.” Zoey sighed, well aware of Mel’s ability to confound her by convoluting the most basic ideas.

“No, no, no. This is a REAL spell that can REALLY cause the measles. Trust me,” replied Mel, in the most convincing tone she could muster (even capitalizing the words she meant to emphasize).

“Oh, really?” Zoey was sarcastically incredulous. “Well let’s have it then. Spill the beans, Miss I-don’t-d0-yoga-because-I’m-busy-reading-books- with-gay-haiku-written-all-over-them.” She was grinning.

“Okay. But first, I want you to pause for a while and notice how awesome this blue pen and blue paper combination is.”

[The author intended this hand-written comment for me… but by leaving it in the text, I like to think it becomes the literary equivalent of an actor “breaking the fourth wall,” or reaching out to the audience in a way that acknowledges its existence. True geek irony. GPG]

“Okay, here’s the spell:

Step One. Find someone who has the measles.”

Zoey nodded, expectantly.

“Step two.” Mel paused, then looked meaningfully into Zoey’s eyes before whispering, “Lick them”.

Zoey burst out laughing for the second time that day.

“Shhh! You’re going to get us into trouble with the constipated librarian again,” said Mel, trying as hard as she could not to start laughing herself.

“Oh Mel, someday you’re going to kill me with laughter,” Zoey blurted out, as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Don’t be silly. Kill you with laughter? That doesn’t even make sense. Laughing shouldn’t even make you sick. But, if I had the measles and you decided to lick me…” Mel teased, letting her voice trail off suggestively.

Zoey’s face flushed suddenly. She took a step closer to Mel before looking around and whispering. “You know, you don’t need to have the measles for me to want to lick you.”

“Um. Uh, heh,” Mel stammered for a moment, then she paused, took a deep breath, grabbed her hefty book with one hand and Zoey’s hand with the other. The girls turned and left the library, each with a smile on her face and each thinking the same thing:

“You’re gay and I’m gay.

It’s a homosexual day.

And WE say: Par-tay!

###

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